A week and a day

December 7, 2021. This cold and sunny day was the first time I saw you. It had been less than a week since our breakup, and I was going through the motions. What was sadness turned to anger, and what was anger was back to sadness. I was trying to keep myself entertained. Less focused on what was actually happening; friends, events, and happiness were what I needed to focus on. 

But, I ran into you. 

I could feel my stomach dropping to the floor before you could even leave the dining hall. Who would have thought that first kiss would turn into zero communication. How excitement crossed my mind every time I saw you, to now being scared to see you lingering around the next corner. 

I felt the sadness and anger eating me alive. My fight or flight kicked in. All I could think about was leaving. So that's exactly what I did. After dropping off my computer in my best friend's room I grabbed my wallet, keys, and headphones. Before I knew it I was on the streets of Firenze. 

The air was crisp and the sun was shining: there was no cloud in sight. I could feel the cold air hitting my cheek as I walked past the gas station; the one we passed every date night. Near the garden -- seeing ourselves running past our first night out. The memory of me and you is everywhere I go. 

I walked into the garden where we had one of our first dates. I sat on a bench near one of the exits. The bench was wooden; a dark green that was fade-like. I sat across another bench. I could see other people around the bench sitting in the grass and alongside the arches surrounding the gazebo. As I sat on the green-like wooden bench I pictured you: sitting across from me. I saw you staring at me making comments about how you hate the way the gazebo is laid out or the way the setup of the garden doesn't make any sense. 

As "All too well" by Taylor Swift played I sat silently taking in the lyrics. I was there in that moment, people watching the trees… and strangers. A little old lady in a red coat was walking her dog. She stopped and waved at me as her little pup came up and smelled my shoes. 

I sat for a while thinking about this breakup and what it meant to each of us.

-- “You are amazing.” I have been told this more times than I can count. After a breakup, you feel as though your world is crashing down; clasping on your entire heart. When you feel your chest-beating outside your body and your hands shaking as he tells you “I don’t like you anymore” you can’t help but feel as though you are getting crushed by an abundance of waves. Tangled within these crashing waves you feel the water reach within; suffocating and tearing the blood vessels within. Filling you up with remorse and pain. Yet you are told, “you are amazing.” I never understood why we are told this. I know I am amazing. I love who I am. You question my self-worth as though I was the problem I am sad, angry, and livid, but I am not insecure. I was betrayed by a person I trusted with my most naked self: showing him parts of life I treasured. My insecurities and the most important parts of myself. Breakups suck because how are you supposed to cope with something you didn’t want but the other did? “I don’t like you anymore bye.” In this moment you are confused and instantly sad. Sadness reaches every nerve of your being. Someone you once shared a passion for wants nothing to do with you. --

As I thought about our breakup and what it meant to me, rather than what it meant to them I found clarity. I saw where I was at and what my life had been like after the breakup. I was going out making new friends and enjoying my life. Making each moment count. I got up from the green-like bench. Walked across one of the entrances and got a slice of pizza. I ordered in Italian and felt good about it. I remembered I was in Italy a place that felt like home. A place I found comfort in; a place I loved more than anything. 

Italy is where I found my love for traveling, people, and cultures. If I was going to deal with a breakup I'd rather it be somewhere I felt most comfortable with myself and with the people. 

I sat on that green-like bench and ate my slice of pizza. Still listening to "All too well" I paused and took a second to breathe. Taking in the good energy and exhaling the bad.