Life goes on

 

 No one talks about the way grief can be easy some days and unbearable the next. It’s almost been 2 whole months without you, and when I get a chance to catch my breath I start to think about you. 

“Grief ambush” is what they call it in the book I’ve been reading. You could be going on throughout your day smiling and feeling okay, but then you start to think about something and totally break down. 

This happens to me so often at times it feels like the pain will never truly go away. I just want to call you and hear you talk to me one more time. One more moment. One more second. 

With the loss of you has come the loss of who I used to be. Learning how to live without a piece of myself. I’ll never be the same without you. It’s the learning to live without that part of me that is really struggling right now.

I know I have changed without you here with me. I am doing everything and anything to be okay even if that means having to stay busy just so my brain won’t want to rot in bed all day.

I am trying harder to protect my peace. Leaving those and loving those who cherish me, just as much as I do them. 

Yet, I still get angry. 

I know you will live on forever in my memories, but I just wasn’t ready for those memories to stop. 

I am here back at college and seeing things so differently again. I am trying harder to not let my heart lead giving myself the upper hand and remembering that I don’t have to always try so hard. 

There is so much going on in my head that I need to tell you. 

Though, when the wind blows and sun shines through the clouds I can feel you near. When I close my eyes I picture you here. 

I know I’ll never be ready to let you go, and I never will. I just hope that version of me is one you’d love. 

Life will go in without you, not because I want it to but because it has too. I’ll look for you in every crowd and listen for your voice.