Dear....

I can't delete us. I have tried so many times to erase you from my memories and my head. The more I try the harder it is to move on. I feel you wherever I go and I still look for you in every crowd. Every person I randomly make eye contact with has me wishing it was you. 

Our photos are hidden, your name is changed, and I am blocked from your head. I can't stop wishing for a redo and randomly bumping into you. I never thought that we'd never be speaking. I never thought I'd have to miss you like this. 

Life moves on with or without you I know this. I know all the words I chose to aim towards you. I remember it like it was just yesterday, but I also remember what it felt like to have you there next to me. Maybe you played me and maybe I did as well, but we were sure as hell good at it. 

I hold onto every detail. Every moment brings me bliss and pain. I've tried and tried to forgive and forget, but I can't. I wonder how you feel. How you could just walk away from us. I try to be mean and I try to be tough, but I miss you. I put on that jacket you got me, and remember the moments we had and try to forget the moments where you made me feel so small.

I don't want to miss you. I don't want to feel like this. To have good days without you and those that are hard to breathe. I think about contacting you, but I know that that would hurt both of us. 

So I'll try to understand why I feel like this and why you are still hurting me from so far away. Why my grudge is so tight and as much as I try to loosen it, it won't budge. 

My friends tell me I feel too much. That I care with my whole heart. Something I remember telling you the very first time we started talking. And I still do. I don't think I'll ever stop caring when I treasure someone so real and so hard. I know that sometimes the care we give won't always be given back. 

The last thing I told you was that I hated you. And I lied. I don't hate you, I hate the way you treated me and how it ended oh so terribly. 

When I was with you I forgot the mess that seemed to be unbearable before you. In a way, you saved a part of my soul I never knew needed saving. You were there for me when I didn't know I needed you. And for that, I am forever grateful for it.