Resilient Echoes

An abundance of memories come flooding my mind this time of year. When I close my eyes, I hide the facts that stare me down. I squeeze my eyelids shut; clenching onto my bedroom sheets, gripping onto something to remind myself that what happened wasn't just a dream I dreamt, or a nightmare I'll shake. 

I wish I could rewrite the stars, take them and cut them into perfection. Changing the darkest parts of my life just to remember what a normal day felt like. I don't like the fact that my past continues to haunt me; that trauma is beautiful, yet deceiving. 

It has been a year, just saying that terrifies me. Saying the words still don't feel real, and I don't think they ever will. 

A year ago my mother was sick, my family seemed to be broken, and I didn't know how to sew the pieces back together without shattering the parts that still fit. I wasn't strong enough to hide the anger that masked my face with chaos. 

Each night felt like the last, and each morning was brought with the same pain of not knowing what to do or how to move forward. 

What I remember from that November night is such a blur. I remember waking up the next morning thinking it was a dream, which would eventually turn into a two month haze. They don't teach you how to deal with this in school or in life. How to deal with an anger that overwhelms and conquers the most beautiful parts of your life. 

Looking back, I took some bad turns that I am owning.  I didn't speak much during this time about anything, because I refused to express what was really going on. I hate the facts of that time of my life, and the facts that my family dealt with. 

So I tried, as much as the fear seemed to pull me down, I tried to learn to lean on myself, and on others. 

"Resilient people are quick to look for ways to resolve or at least improve the situation." 

I took this quote from google, they are describing what a resilient person is. I beg to differ, a resilient person moves chaos, love, will, and determination. They admit when they are hurting, but chose to carry on because they know that people count on their love. 

My mom is the definition of a resilient person. Perhaps she has learned to adapt to the characteristics of resilience, yet she has faced adversity in the eyes, and carried on with the fullest heart. 

Her resilience echoes in the autumn mist; carried through the leaves of every tree warming those she encounters.