Scared of my 20s

Overwhelmed and confused: two words I'd use to describe the scarce realities of being a twenty-one-year-old. Most nights end with not knowing where I am in life and questioning if I am even on the correct path. Almost everyday it feels like I am losing my mind. Am I where I am supposed to be?

Questions then spring up from friends and family - Are you dating anyone? What do you plan on doing after college? Are you going to grad school, if so where? And so many more that it seems to feel like the world is crushing down and bringing me to my knees. 

Stress wraps me around its finger to the point where it can feel suffocating. But, when the string that pulls me around is loosened by the hands of those that bring me back to reality, I remember the beauty of not always having to have a flashlight in the darkness. 

I hate being in my 20s. It's plain and simple I. Hate. It. Everything seems to feel like a lesson. Whether it be navigating a friendship, learning how to date, or even knowing small things about myself. It feels like I am either always getting hurt or hurting myself. Stopping for a minute and looking in the mirror asking myself if I even know who I am. 

So much chaos, happiness, and confusion are the strings that connect everyone to their 20s. The chaos of never knowing if you are doing the "right" thing for you or others. The chaos of going through the hardships of college breakups and friendships. The chaos of thinking everyone in your life hates you. The happiness you feel when you see your best friends after they've comeback from study abroad. The happiness you encounter when you have a great conversation with your friends. The happiness that almost brings you to tears when you walk in the park alone; closing your eyes and feeling the fresh air and sun on your winter skin. The confusion you feel when a guy flakes on you or never texts you back. The confusion you feel when they tell you aren't enough for them. The confusion that lingers with you when you realize they were just another lesson. 

There are so many feelings that are felt when you are experiencing adulthood. So much happens and so many moments can feel so lonely, but also so fulfilling. Like hosting dinner parties for all your friends or showing your family the city for the first time. 

Running from our adolescence straight to the start line of 20 something. At the end of the day no one really knows anything. About friendship, themselves, relationships or what life is supposed to look like. We all try so hard to paint this persona of ourselves that we think we must attain. From what we see in movies, tabloids, TikTok and social media. We barely get any sleep from trying to find a cure for our lives. 

So what is the cure? What gets us through all these twists and turns? I wish it was as simple as that, really I do. What I've learned thus far is we are supposed to feel like this. We are supposed to trip and fall, shed tears, and feel like everything we do is fucking up. Though all the bad and good get sewed along creating a quilt of comfort and memory. Reminding you that these are the moments that shape you and keep you safe. 

My life is not perfect, glamorous, and sometimes its not even okay, but I am fine with that. Chapters close, boys leave, and friends come and go.